When Therapy Crosses a Line
Therapy is meant to be a safe space—a place where self-discovery, growth, and healing can take root. In recent years, however, a concerning trend has emerged: some therapists, both in practice and on social media, are encouraging family estrangement as a catch-all solution for emotional distress. While there are legitimate cases—especially involving abuse or trauma—where estrangement may be necessary, this path should never be the default recommendation.
Instead, true individuation often calls for healthy boundaries, open dialogue, and increased self-awareness—not immediate disconnection. When therapists impose their personal experiences or push a one-sided narrative that centers on blame, they risk leading clients down a path of isolation, unresolved pain, and missed opportunities for growth.
This article explores the ethical risks of toxic therapy, how social media is shaping views on family estrangement, and how to recognize when your therapy may be steering you away from healing rather than toward it.
What Is Family Estrangement?
Family estrangement refers to a significant or complete emotional and/or physical distance from one or more family members, often triggered by long-standing conflict, perceived harm, or value misalignment. While it can sometimes be a step toward safety and emotional regulation, estrangement often carries emotional, psychological, and social consequences.
According to a 2020 study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, approximately 27% of adults in the U.S. report being estranged from a family member, with parent-child estrangements being most common (Carr et al., 2020).
Yet, research also shows that estrangement without resolution or support can increase feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and regret, particularly when it was chosen in the absence of deeper reflection or therapeutic processing.
Social Media’s Role in Normalizing Estrangement
The Rise of Bite-Sized Therapy Advice
Platforms like TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube have created a wave of therapists and “mental health influencers” offering digestible advice to large audiences. While this content often spreads awareness, it can also oversimplify complex emotional issues. Phrases like “go no-contact,” “cut out toxicity,” or “you owe your family nothing” are commonly shared without context or nuance.
A 2022 study published in the Journal of Mental Health and Social Media reviewed over 400 therapist-created TikToks and found that nearly 38% framed estrangement as a primary solution for interpersonal distress—even when clinical abuse or trauma were not indicated (Peterson et al., 2022).
This messaging, while well-intended, risks validating avoidance as a coping strategy rather than encouraging self-reflection, communication skills, or emotional regulation.
Projecting Personal Pain onto Professional Advice
Many therapists have lived experiences with difficult family relationships. While this can bring empathy, it also introduces the risk of projection—when a clinician unconsciously applies their own emotional wounds to the client’s story.
According to a 2021 study in Psychotherapy Research, unresolved therapist countertransference, especially in the context of family dynamics, can skew treatment direction—sometimes leading therapists to support estrangement not based on the client’s best interest, but based on their own history (Hayes et al., 2021).
Good therapy encourages insight and exploration. Toxic therapy centers blame and prematurely pushes separation.
How to Recognize Toxic Therapy
Toxic therapy can be difficult to identify, especially when the therapist presents as caring and affirming. However, the following red flags can help you assess whether your therapy is fostering growth—or reinforcing avoidance:
1. Quickly Suggesting Estrangement Without Exploring Alternatives
If a therapist immediately suggests cutting ties with family after only one or two sessions—especially without evaluating safety, communication attempts, or your emotional needs—this may indicate a lack of clinical depth or objectivity.
2. Promoting Blame Over Self-Reflection
Healthy therapy helps you explore how you relate to others and what patterns you might be repeating. Toxic therapy reinforces narratives where the client is always the victim, and others are always the problem. While validating harm is essential, growth also involves identifying what you can control and change.
3. Discouraging Nuanced Views of Loved Ones
Human relationships are complex. If a therapist consistently labels family members as “toxic,” “narcissistic,” or “manipulative” without allowing space for ambiguity or growth, this is a concern. Therapy should allow you to hold conflicting emotions at once—not force a binary view.
4. Making You Feel More Isolated, Not Less
Good therapy deepens your connection to yourself and often improves your capacity for healthy relationships. If therapy is leaving you more angry, isolated, or distrustful over time—without helping you process or resolve those emotions—it may be harming more than helping.
The Role of Ethical Therapy in Boundary-Setting
Therapy done right empowers the client to make conscious, informed choices. In many cases, individuals benefit more from setting boundaries than cutting ties. Boundaries offer structure for emotional safety while preserving opportunities for connection.
A 2023 study published in Family Process found that young adults who learned communication and boundary-setting strategies in therapy were significantly more likely to maintain meaningful but protected family relationships compared to those who pursued estrangement without support (Kim & Roberts, 2023).
In ethical therapy:
- The therapist explores your values and goals—not theirs.
- You are encouraged to define what a “healthy relationship” means to you.
- Focus remains on building insight, resilience, and emotional tools—not prescribing life choices.
Real-Life Example: Lila’s Story
Lila, 25, began therapy after a falling-out with her mother over her choice to leave medical school. Her therapist, influenced by social media narratives, quickly affirmed that her mother was “emotionally abusive” and encouraged her to sever ties. Lila followed this advice, but over the next year, she felt increasingly anxious and disconnected from other family members.
Eventually, she switched therapists. Her new provider helped her reflect on her mother’s communication patterns and her own sensitivity to criticism. They practiced assertiveness, identified shared values, and developed a plan for re-engagement with healthy boundaries.
Today, Lila has re-established contact with her mother. While they still disagree on some issues, their relationship has improved through mutual understanding. Lila no longer feels powerless—because she reclaimed her voice, not through distance, but through self-awareness.
When Estrangement Is Valid and Necessary
Of course, there are situations in which estrangement is the healthiest choice. Ongoing abuse, gaslighting, severe emotional neglect, or boundary violations that persist despite multiple attempts at repair can make contact dangerous or retraumatizing.
In these cases, therapists must support the client with trauma-informed care while also helping them grieve the loss and rebuild identity outside of the family system.
Estrangement should never be stigmatized—but it should also never be casually recommended.
Conclusion: Clarity Before Cutoff
Therapists have a responsibility to facilitate healing—not direct decisions. While family estrangement may bring relief in some cases, it should never be presented as the default path to well-being. Therapy must prioritize context, client autonomy, and deep inner exploration.
Patients deserve to know that individuation does not require disconnection. Healthy relationships can be built with boundaries, courage, and communication—not just distance.
If your therapist pushes blame, discourages self-reflection, or urges permanent cutoff without fully understanding your story—it may be time to reconsider your care. Healing begins not with blame, but with balance.
References
- Carr, D., Kail, B. L., & Umberson, D. (2020). A National Portrait of Family Estrangement in the United States. Journal of Marriage and Family, 82(2), 571–586. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12608
- Peterson, M., Levy, J., & Wang, S. (2022). Therapist Influencer Content and Its Impact on Estrangement Norms: A TikTok Content Analysis. Journal of Mental Health and Social Media, 4(1), 14–25. https://doi.org/10.1177/20563051221123456
- Hayes, J. A., Gelso, C. J., & Hummel, A. M. (2021). Therapist Countertransference and Client Decision-Making: A Meta-Analytic Review. Psychotherapy Research, 31(3), 301–315. https://doi.org/10.1080/10503307.2020.1729440
- Kim, J., & Roberts, S. (2023). Differentiation Through Boundaries: Communication, Conflict, and Connection Among Emerging Adults and Their Parents. Family Process, 62(2), 281–297. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12839
- American Psychological Association. (2021). Ethical Principles of Psychologists and Code of Conduct. https://www.apa.org/ethics/code